The Illiterate

Eminem
“Hell Breaks Loose” (featuring Dr. Dre), #29
“Elevator”, #67
There’s no doubt that these are sharper and more to the point than the tracks on the original version of Relapse—less fussy and more energetic, as well (even Dre sounds fully focused for a change). So even though they’re nothing new in and of themselves, they are promising. Maybe Slim Shady has some life in him yet. Whether or not that’s a a good thing at this stage—or at Eminem’s age—is open to question.

Alicia Keys—”Empire State of Mind (Part II) Broken Down”
#55
The hook is still there, but the verses sound like Keys did a Google search for big city cliches—”concrete jungle”, “melting pot”, women working the streets, etc.—and didn’t bother to come up with a single idea of her own. As for her musical abilities, she’s become one the most irritating keyboard players I’ve ever heard—all meaningless fills and runs, quaranteed to trivialize the rare instances she actually has something to say.

Adam Lambert—”Whataya Want From Me”
#72
As much as I respect and appreciate the way Lambert has faced down his conservative critics, I still find myself stopping short when it comes to his music. The best song on his album is a Lady Gaga reject, and on this P!nk reject he achieves nothing except a decent, mediocre imitation of the original owner. If he’s going to keep fighting for the right to be himself, isn’t it time he actually put himself on record?

Robin Thicke—”Sex Therapy”
#79
Thicke tries hard, and his grooves are sexy and intelligent, an achievement both impressive and rare. But then he gets to the chorus, and I’m sorry, but nobody, nobody in the world, not even the resurrection of Marvin Gaye himself, could convince me that Lesley Gore, or anything that Lesley Gore has ever touched, is sexy. Once Thicke puts his warm and tender hands on “It’s My Party”, the sex therapy ends, the session is over, and all that remains is camp. Maybe for those younger than me, who are less familiar with the original, the effect isn’t as extreme, but as far as I’m concerned there’s no way to take this record seriously after the chorus, and no amount of horny falsetto will ever convice me otherwise.

Usher featuring Plies—”Hey Daddy (Daddy’s Home)”
#94
I had no idea Usher felt he had sunk so low that he had to resort to pairing up with The Worst Rapper In the World^®, but here they are all the same. The image created by the chorus, of Usher’s lover with her butt in the air murmuring the title phrase, is bad enough, but then Plies steps in, and it turns out that his idea of eroticism is pouring Kool-Aid on a woman’s back and kissing it off before any of it spills. I just hope “Kool-Aid” isn’t code for something even more disgusting.

Tags: Adam Lambert, Alcia Keys, Dr. Dre, Eminem, Marvin Gaye, P!nk, Plies, Robin Thicke, Usher

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 26th, 2009 at 6:18 pm and is filed under Hot 100, new this week, singles. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.