The Illiterate

Justin Bieber—”Never Let You Go”
#21
The most irritating thing about Justin Bieber may be something over which he has no real control: all his records sound the same. He may have talent, but he either possesses such a narrow emotional range that his handlers don’t dare let him express himself, or they have such a narrow idea of what a pop record should be that they can’t take advantage of whatever talent Bieber does possess. The first is a possibility, but I lean toward the second explanation: this is such an obvious retread of Chris Brown’s “Forever” that you wonder if anyone in Bieber’s camp has a single original idea.

Jason DeRulo—”Ridin’ Solo”
#33
Did anybody involved in this record notice how irritating DeRulo’s voice is on the chorus? Did they think it would serve as a kind of hook? Or make up for the fact that nothing else about this record is even vaguely interesting? If so, they were wrong.

Usher featuring Nicki Minaj—”Lil Freak”
#43
Somehow I don’t think Stevie Wonder ever imagined anyone using part of “Livin’ for the City” as background music for an orgy, but I guess we should give Usher a break—he’s got to get over the grief of his divorce somehow.

Avril Lavigne—”Alice”
#71
I long ago resigned myself to the use of Alice in Wonderland as a Rorschach blot for anyone low on ideas who needs a little creative boost, but that only excuses Tim Burton. This is straight cash-in and a terrible record by any standard. The only notable thing about it is that it definitively marks the moment when Lavigne gave up on doing anything new and decided to copy those who have followed in her wake—in this case, Paramore. Even another soppy ballad would be better than this.

Kenny Chesney—”Ain’t Back Yet”
#73
If you define country as music based on the nostalgia of people in their thirties to mid-forties for the pop music of their early teen years, then this is a country record. But even by those standards it isn’t a good country record, just a loud one (with horns, to boot). Gossip hounds, however, will eat up the apparent reference to Renee Zellweger in the last verse.

Godsmack—”Cryin’ Like A Bitch!!”
#74
The exclamation points in the title tell you everything you need to know about this record. Think of them as sudden bursts of guitar and you can pretend you’ve already heard the song without the painful experience of actually listening to it.

Three 6 Mafia Vs Tiesto with Sean Kingston and Flo Rida—”Feel It”
#78
If the artist lineup didn’t tip you off to how desperate these guys are for another hit, the music sure would. Most egregious moment: when Flo Rida comes on, the beat switches to an approximation of “Low”. Even worse, that’s the only part of the record that makes any sense. The rest is a confused mess.

Danny Gokey—”My Best Days Are Ahead of Me”
#78
I never saw Gokey on American Idol, but it’s easy to understand why he was voted off—the only thing thinner than his voice is his material.

La Roux—”Bulletproof”
#92
With all the Eurodisco influence on the charts it’s nice to see the real thing making some headway. Already a number one in the UK, though I doubt it will make it as far here—it’s not brash and straightforward enough for American tastes. I find it a trifle thin and stiff myself, but it’s still better than about 85% of anything else on the charts.

Chris Young—”The Man I Want to Be”
#98
As shameless as self-pitying country gets, this is essentially the male version of Carrie Underwood’s “Jesus Take the Wheel”, only worse, because you can’t help suspecting that all Young really wants is his woman back. What he should really be praying for is better material.

Steel Magnolia—”Keep On Lovin’ You”
#99
Because Lady Antebellum just isn’t enough Sugarland for the country/pop market.

Eric Church—”Hell On the Heart”
#100
Church is the kind of guy who believes old-fashioned things like simple, catchy melodies, short songs (this one clocks in at 2:45, shorter than both his previous singles, only one of which is over three minutes), and strict stereo separation. He also gets better with each record. But he isn’t that good yet. Cliches keep popping up in his lyrics, and thematically there’s nothing that separates him from a few thousand other good ol’ boys. He also has a tendency to sprinkle his interviews with references to how much better he is than everybody else. I like this record, and I hope he gets better, but I’m not holding my breath.