The Illiterate

Glee Cast—”Take A Bow”
#46
This is so bland I feel like I should apologize to Rihanna for saying her vocals lack personality. I can excuse actors for not being singers, but shouldn’t they at least know how to emote on the spoken bits? I’ve heard Glee is a pretty good show, but if it’s going to put records like this on the chart every week I may need to file a complaint with the FCC.

Jay-Z + Alicia Keys—”Empire State of Mind”
#50
The chorus is as hoakey as most “I Love My Hometown” songs, but it’s catchy, too, and it sticks in your head (somehow Jay-Z has convinced Keys to phrase just like he probably would if he could sing, which is both weird and fascinating somehow). The record as a whole, however, like everything else I’ve heard from The Blueprint III, is seriously off-kilter. This isn’t a song about how great New York is, it’s a song about how great Jay-Z was to rise from its mean streets to become a star. By name-checking Sinatra and paraphrasing Billy Joel for the title, he makes it obvious that he intends to supersede them as the King of New York; he then proceeds to paint a picture of the city that’s so dark, especially in the final verse, and takes such obvious enjoyment in putting down the suckers who aren’t as successful as he is, that you wonder why anybody would want to live there at all. Especially if they had to share the streets with this self-satisfied jerk.

Jay-Z + Mr. Hudson—”Young Forever”
#75
Immortality through fame isn’t a new idea, but Jay-Z raps like it is, and the first verse, where he parodies just about every rap video ever made, is great. The rest is just bragging, with unnecessarily dark overtones (he sounds like it’s only just occurred to him that he’s going to die someday—and who knows, maybe it did). As for Mr. Hudson, his voice is a garbled mixture of Sting and Chris Martin, and his phrasing is as cliched and obvious as that combination would suggest.

Three Days Grace—”Break”
#91
The lyrics say something about breaking through to a higher level, but the music breaks through nothing, not even the banality barrier, and I keep thinking that what they really mean is that everybody could use a nice vacation once in a while. If they promise to make theirs permanent I’d be happy to lend them some luggage.

Boys Like Girls featuring Taylor Swift—”Two Is Better Than One”
#92
A terrible song, and a darkly portentous one, since it suggests that Taylor Swift’s apparent weakness for guys in noisy pop-punk bands is badly affecting her judgment. Singing with Def Leppard on an awards show or dressing up like Kiss is harmless nostalgic fun, but aiding and abetting a band as awful as Boys Like Girls suggests a major lapse in judgment. She’ll regret this some day; if she doesn’t, we will.

Ester Dean featuring Chris Brown—”Drop It Low”
#94
I like the sound of this, which in it’s minimalism and dirty talk reminds me of some of the jerkin’ records coming out of L.A., and I like it even more near the end when the hooks pile up on each other in a mixture that isn’t minimalist at all. But Chris Brown’s presence is a conundrum. Was this recorded before he beat up Rihanna? Even if it was, why release it now? At this point, would any woman in her right mind climb into his Bugatti with him? Whatever the case, chances are this will go nowhere on radio, which is a shame. Couldn’t they get Drake or somebody for a remix?