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Hot 100 Roundup—6/18/11

Tuesday, July 5th, 2011

Coldplay—”Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall”
#29
Producer Brian Eno continues to toughen them up musically, but the lyrics are as self-obsessed as ever. This one posits romantic revolution for record nerds, where sitting in your room and listening to daring and difficult music is a rebellious act that ends in you raising your fist against something or other somewhere out in the real world. And then you feel sorry for yourself. Not even Eno can ring the sentimentality out of crap as earnest and determined as this.

Pitbull featuring Chris Brown—”International Love”
#59
On the chorus, Chris Brown’s idea of international appears not to extend beyond the continental U.S. The hook is catchy, though, and Pitbull makes up for Brown’s narrowness with an itinerary that starts in Rumania (where a pair of sisters offer themselves to him) and includes Lebanon and most of South America. Compared to his last couple of appearances, Pitbull sounds rejuvenated, especially near the end, when he switches effortlessly between English and Spanish. His voice is his main attraction, but Pitbull doesn’t get near enough credit for his rapping, which is fluid not only linguistically but rhythmically. I find his eurodisco-based beats a bit heavy-handed, but that’s what a club banger is supposed to be.

Beyonce—”Best Thing I Never Had”
#84
Though she tries hard, too hard, to separate herself from the norm, Beyonce fits perfectly into one standard mold: the mid-career pop artist desperate to be taken seriously. Her attempts to break free are, in fact, a symptom of the problem. This is terrible in almost every way: over-arranged, melodramatic, badly sung (when Beyonce wants to sound angry she tends to bellow), with lyrics whose artlessness may be designed to counteract the dramatic production but only succeed in exacerbating the problem. By the time she shouts out “Sucks to be you right now” it’s impossible not to wonder what the hell she was thinking when she recorded this. That she was doing something different and daring, I bet.

Linkin Park—”Iridescent”
#86
I can’t stand these guys, but they are entertaining. This may be the funniest hard rock record since Queensryche’s “Silent Lucidity”, though it doesn’t come close to Queensryche’s preening, pretentious stupidity. It doesn’t even set a record for cliches, since just about any romantic lyricist could beat them in a walk. For sheer boilerplate existential despair, though, no one can touch them, and the first verse, which I feel a duty to quote in full, is a masterpiece:

You were standing in the wake of devastation
And you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
And with the cataclysm raining down
Insides crying “Save me now”
You were there, impossibly alone

It’s even funnier when Mike Shinoda sings it.

Trey Songz featuring Drake—”Unusual”
#90
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 6/4/11

Rodney Atkins—”Take A Back Road”
#92
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 5/21/11

Victorious Cast featuring Victoria Justice—”Best Friend’s Brother”
#93
I love the bridge, like the chorus, but could care less about the verses, which are standard, streamlined punk-pop. All the same, Nickelodeon is getting better at mining the Disney-pop model, and Justice, who has a co-writing credit, may be a real talent. Especially if she wrote that bridge.

Andy Grammer—”Keep Your Head Up”
#94
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 6/11/11

Rej3ctz—”Cat Daddy”
#97
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 4/23/11

Trace Adkins—”Just Fishin’”
#98
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 5/21/11

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Hot 100 Roundup—6/4/11

Monday, June 13th, 2011

Lady GaGa—”Hair”
#12
An odd metaphor coming from a woman who is generally seen either in wigs or with hair coiffed and dyed to within an inch of it’s life; does anyone know what GaGa’s real hair even looks like? But despite the cognitive dissonance and the unfortunate echoes of David Crosby, this is a grand piece of Springsteen-influenced disco, the kind of music that sounds great not just on the dancefloor but out on the open road. I’m particularly fond of the bridge, where GaGa’s phrasing makes her sound appropriately callow and naive. It may be the most human moment she’s ever managed.

Young Jeezy featuring Lil Wayne—”Ballin’”
#57
Jeezy’s voice holds your attention, but he works in a style that was half-dead even when he started out five years ago, and has nothing to add to it. Neither does Lil Wayne.

Glee Cast
“Pure Imagination”, #59
“Back To Black”, #82
“My Man”, #94

Nicole Scherzinger featuring 50 Cent—”Right There”
#77
Not terrible, which is a surprise considering how lazy it sounds. The music isn’t bad, but the rhyme scheme consists of repeating the same word at the end of each line, an effect almost as flattening as 50 Cents’ rap. He long ago said he had no real interest in making music anymore, and this proves it. Scherzinger sounds as anonymous as ever, and you can’t help but wonder if this would even have been released if it wasn’t for her X Factor gig.

DJ Khaled featuring Drake, Rick Ross & Lil Wayne—”I’m On One”
#78
A stylistic changeup from Khaled, which would be interesting if he was capable of making good music, but he isn’t, so we’re left with the lineup. Rick Ross is his usual monotonous self, and Lil Wayne indulges in hit-and-miss word games: good and bad puns (“I’m a made nigga, I should dust something”) with the occasional meaningful line. As for Drake, he may be serious in his doubts about the rap game, and even in his self-criticism, but he lies so consistantly about how hard his life is I find it impossible to trust him even (especially) when he sounds sincere. His hypocrisy is fascinating, though, as is his resistance to flow. Being the snobbish cad that he is, he seems to consider it beneath him.

Rihanna—”California King Bed”
#80
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 4/30/11

Jason DeRulo—”Don’t Wanna Go Home”
#92
Yet another lift from “Day-O”, this one even more obvious than Lil Wayne’s. Otherwise, this is as anonymous as most of DeRulo’s previous records. If it weren’t for that borrowed hook, it would have no melody at all.

Ashton Shepard—”Look It Up”
#95
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 4/2/11

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Hot 100 Roundup—12/26/10

Wednesday, December 29th, 2010

Lil Wayne Featuring Cory Gunz—”6 Foot 7 Foot”
#9
The background provided by Bangladesh is so stupid—and not in a good way—that it almost ruins the record for me. Wayne himself saves it. His gnomic notes to himself—you can almost see him obsessively scrawling them out in his cell—are so full of twists and turns and puns, words and phrases pulled inside out and examined to reveal newer if not always deeper meanings, that even if he isn’t saying much he seems to say it all. Writing down his raps has tightened and intensified his language, revealing more about his character than any of his free-form, off-the-cuff displays, brilliant as they were, ever did. Turns out he’s something of a grammarian, though that should have been obvious a long time ago.

Taio Cruz featuring Travie McCoy—”Higher”
#80
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 12/19/10

Nicki Minaj featuring Drake—”Moment 4 Life”
#82
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 12/5/10

P!nk—”Fuckin’ Perfect”
#86
“Fuck” being the word of the moment (word of the year, really), P!nk, with her usual commercial intuitiveness, tosses it into the title of a song in which the word itself doesn’t appear. I wish it did; it might liven up this otherwise bathetic self-empowerment ballad.

Jerrod Niemann—”What Do You Want”
#90
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 12/12/10

Thompson Square—”Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not”
#92
Sugarland as Bon Jovi, just what we’ve been waiting for.

R. Kelly—”When A Woman Loves”
#93
I loved the video for this when it came out a few months ago, but I guess this is just another example of a mediocre record being lifted by it’s accompanying visuals (this is why I don’t watch Glee; I don’t want its horrible music tainted by theatrical quality). What looks loving and soulful in the video turns out to be stiff and lifeless when heard on its own. Kelly isn’t that great a singer, and his soul inflections sound calculated and more often verge toward homage, and even parody, rather than actual emotion. His “Thank you” at the end, which works in the video, sounds like a dumb, knowing wink on the record, as if the whole thing was nothing but a stylistic game.

Fabolous—”You Be Killin’ ‘Em”
#94
Though this eventually turns into one of the most sexist pop songs I’ve heard in some time (“She looks like the best money I ever spent” Fabolous says of his latest acquisition), what really sums it up for me comes in the first 30 seconds. After a brief intro establishes the electric piano riff that drives the song, Fabolous steps up to the mike, and by way of introduction, says “Niiiice”. The first thought that came into my head: “Isn’t it a little late in the day for a Vanilla Ice parody?” Second thought: “This isn’t a parody.”

The Script—”For the First Time”
#97
At first I was willing to give them points for writing about something truly meaningful: the stress economic hard times places on relationships. A lot of songs have been written about that, though (I’m sure there are a couple of hundred songwriters in Nashville working on it right now), and The Script’s tin ear for detail and sentimental musicality guarantees that this is nothing but a sop to those who feel they need a good sorrowful wallow every once in a while to get by. Every human emotion has its exploiter; self-pity, meet The Script.

Mariah Carey—”Oh Santa!”
#100
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 12/19/10

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Hot 100 Roundup—12/12/10

Thursday, December 16th, 2010

Glee Cast
“Dog Days Are Over”, #22
“Hey, Soul Sister”, #29
“(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life”, #38
“Valerie”, #54
“Don’t Cry for Me Argentina”, #97

Coldplay—”Christmas Lights”
#25
Even with Brian Eno producing, they’re still a bunch of pretentious boobs, and this sounds like what might have happened if Genesis had tried to rewrite The Pogues’s “Fairytale of New York”. Except this version focuses entirely on how sorry the guy is feeling for himself; it never dares to suggest that he might deserve his lonesome fate. Maybe that’s because it’s too busy trying to sort out its pseudo-poetic lyrics: “I took my feet down to Oxford street”. Really? Did you carry them in a sack?

Flo Rida featuring Akon—”Who Dat Girl”
#55
Flo Rida’s presence is so minimal in relation to everything that makes this record worthwhile you’d barely know he was on it if you didn’t read the credits. If you did, you’d realize how much this record owes not only to Akon, who sings the hook, but also the omnipresent Bruno Mars, who co-wrote it, and Dr. Luke, who produced it. Makes you wonder what Mr. Rida’s actual contribution is. How about being the guy who knows what sells? That’s always enough to make you look like a supreme talent.

Victorious Cast featuring Victoria Justice—”Freak the Freak Out”
#78
This is the first of the Nickelodeon singles that comes close to the level of the Disney-pop they hope to cash in on, and it arrives just as Disney-pop itself is beginning to fade into memory. There will always be a market for clean-as-a-whistle, bouncy pop, and maybe Nickelodeon can cash in on the next generation (these things being counted, as they are, in five year intervals). This record, which is more Selena Gomez than Miley Cyrus, though nowhere near the best of either, sounds like a good place to start.

The Killers—”Boots”
#79
Did I say Coldplay were pretentious? They are, but only if you don’t compare them to The Killers. Lyrics that shift through time and space, suffused with regret and nostalgia; churchbells and thundering martial drums; a clip of Jimmy Stewart praying in It’s a Wonderful Life layered over opera and someone singing in Spanish; melodies swiped from Neil Young and cover art referencing Citizen Kane—this is their idea of a Christmas record. It’s as if they came from a planet where confusion is considered the highest possible art form (oh, I forgot, they’re from Vegas). Still, I like these guys a lot more than Coldplay because they at least partially justify their pretension. This is a mess, but the hooks soar the way they’re supposed to, the emotions, though difficult to sort out, are palpable, and Brandon Flowers sings like a human being. A confused one, I grant you, and one with delusions of grandeur, but human nonetheless. How many of those do you usually find on the pop charts?

Birdman featuring Lil Wayne—”Fire Flame”
#84
Wayne sounds like his old self, if not at his highest level (judging by the sound of “6’7″”, this was just a warm-up). Birdman sounds like his old self, as well, at a level that’s a little easier to reach. The result is perfectly fine, but nothing special.

Far*East Movement featuring Ryan Tedder—”Rocketeer”
#93
At this moment in time, it may look as if no one can lose with a Bruno Mars hook on their record, but that only applies if Mars is singing it. Tedder does a pretty good imitation, and no doubt this is a worthwhile break from writing “Halo” yet again, but this lacks both Mars’s sense of humor and his sense of reality. The rest is even worse, an indicator that Far*East Movement may be another one of those groups whose guests are better than they are. Maybe it’s time to check out that Dev & The Cataracs record.

Bubbling Under:

Fantasia—”I’m Doing Me”
#101
This is right up with Monica’s “Love All Over Me” in the “do they really know what they’re singing about?” sweepstakes. I get the feeling, though, that Fantasia has a better sense of what’s going on than Monica does. Which doesn’t save this from being ordinary in almost every other respect. Fantasia’s last couple of singles had a good neo-soul vibe to them, but this is tepid. You don’t suppose they pegged it as a single just because of the title, do you?

Chris Brown—”No BS”
#102
In which Brown promises a night of perfect sex (the condoms are in the dresser, darling) over a rhythm track that sounds like giant insects are trying to break into the room. The whole thing makes me feel itchy, and not in a good way.

Charlie Wilson—”You Are”
#103
After “There Goes My Baby”, I was hoping that Wilson would be able to mount a real comeback, but this is retro in the worst possible way. That is, it really does sound old, and it makes Wilson sound old, too.

Jamie Foxx featuring Drake—”Fall For Your Type”
#104
Jamie Foxx is a smart, talented guy, but he thinks he’s a lot smarter and talented than he actually is, and he overreaches and fails over and over again. This record is a complete conceptual disaster, its tempo too slow for its subject, its subject too light for its pretentious heaviness, its flashes of ego unleavened by humor or sense. Drake is more bearable than usual, but that’s all that can be said for it.

Jerrod Niemann—”What Do You Want”
#105
Niemann is good at what he does, but too much of what he does seems to be focused on nothing more than demonstrating how good he is. He’s a country classicist, and though there’s nothing wrong with that—it’s something of a relief, actually—it isn’t enough. This is perfectly crafted and absolutely empty.

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Hot 100 Roundup—12/5/10

Thursday, December 9th, 2010

Enrique Iglesius featuring Ludacris & DJ Frank E—”Tonight (I’m Fucking You)”
#18
Thanks to Cee-Lo Green, “fuck” appears to be the word of the moment, and Iglesius has as much right to it as any, I suppose. But with his soft, sensitive, sometimes wispy loverman voice, he doesn’t sound all that convincing, and Ludacris is just cashing a check. DJ Frank E, however, engages in some serious fucking with the listeners’ ears. Those random-seeming synthesizer swoops and giggles are the sole reason to pay any real attention to this record. They start to sound calculated after a while, but they liven things up nonetheless.

Glee Cast
“Mary You”, #32
“Just the Way You Are”, #40

Kanye West
“Dark Fantasy” (featuring Teyana Taylor, Nicki Minaj & Bon Iver), #60
“All Of the Lights”, #92
I’m still making up my mind about “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy”. There are great things on it, and West has created an interesting amalgam of his earlier style and the stuff he experimented with on his last two albums. There’s no doubt the result is challenging (which is why I still haven’t made up my mind), but I’m not sure it’s as great as people make it out to be. For one thing, it seems to relate the same basic idea over and over again, and then drag out the tracks in ways that don’t always expand the idea so much as minutely modify it. And sometimes it sounds as clunky as the title. I love the chorus on “Dark Fantasy” and how the choir is both beautiful and ragged at the same time, and “All Of the Lights” is so perfect in its structure and lyrical detail that I feel like a jerk for complaining of its obscure message. But for some reason these songs, and the album as a whole, aren’t coming together for me. Maybe they’re not intended to, but that doesn’t mean it’s a success, either.

Diddy – Dirty Money featuring Skylar Grey—”Coming Home
#61
I know it would be more expensive, but if you’re going to cut a track that’s a straight stylistic rip-off of T.I. and Kanye West, shouldn’t you invite them to contribute a verse or two?

Christina Aguilera—”Show Me How You Burlesque”
#70
For me, the intro to this record epitomizes everything that’s wrong with Aguilera. She not only oversings, but overthinks her oversinging. What’s worse, the lyrics have no music or poetry to them, they’re lifeless hunks of words designed solely for Aguilera to belt. The rest is a little better, but not much. Whatever this is, though, it isn’t burlesque. Burlesque is all about the tease; this is the equivalent of some two-bit hot mama thrusting her cleavage into your face and shouting “Does that turn you on, baby?!”

Keri Hilson—”Pretty Girl Rock”
#72
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 11/28/10

David Guetta featuring Rihanna—”Who’s That Chick?”
#73
Bearable for Guetta, mid-level for Rihanna. I do like it’s classic disco vibe: it could be the theme song for some cheesy early-eighties romantic comedy. Though now that I think about it, that’s not much of a compliment, is it?

Nicki Minaj featuring Rihanna—”Fly”
#76
Did I compare Minaj to Cyndi Lauper? Maybe I meant Journey.

Bruno Mars—”Marry You”
#91
It’s irresistible records like this that make you think Mars’s career might amount to something after all. Not only is the music catchy and good-humored, but for the first time since “Nothin’ On You” the lyrics are a perfect match. That’s possibly because he’s not trying to say anything too romantic or serious, which only convinces you that he loves the girl even more. This is so good I don’t even mind that it only made the charts because it was featured on Glee. OK, I do mind, but what the hell.

Ke$ha—”Crazy Beautiful Life”
#93
More homilies and affirmations for drunk party girls. How much you wanna bet the next album includes a ballad?

Billy Currington—”Let Me Down Easy”
#97
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 11/28/10

Sick Puppies—”Maybe”
#100
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 11/21/10

Bubbling Under:

Nicki Minaj featuring Drake—”Moment 4 Life”
#101
Minaj is a talent, but all the evidence points to her having already betrayed it. I haven’t heard Pink Friday yet, but as I understand it half the album is made up of this kind of dreck (which Minaj would rhyme with Drake if she had any sense). Even if it was a better record, though, the simple fact is that this and “Fly” are only making the charts because of the names of the guests. What a depressing business.

Christina Aguilera—”Express”
#102
The mix of brass and electronic fuzz might be interesting if they were actually mixed instead of being consigned to different sections. But that wouldn’t make it a decent song, or prevent Aguilera from shouting to the rooftops.

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Keeping score

Friday, December 3rd, 2010

Just FYI, this week’s Hot 100 includes four records featuring Drake, four featuring Pitbull, five from Glee, five produced and/or written by Max Martin, six produced and/or written by Dr. Luke, six featuring Nicki Minaj, six featuring Rihanna, and seven featuring, and/or written and/or produced by, Bruno Mars. So Mars wins for now. It’s a showbiz horse race, folks. It’s almost all we have left.

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Hot 100 Roundup—10/31/10

Thursday, November 4th, 2010

Taylor Swift—”Mean”
#11
The idea that this record is intended as an assault on music critics in general, or even specific ones who I won’t mention by name, strikes me as ridiculous. So ridiculous, in fact, that I wonder if those suggesting it have actually listened to the song. The real target, as made obvious in both the lyrics and, most importantly, the traditional bluegrass sound, is the country audience itself, and especially those of a certain bent (though Swift never sinks so low as to actually call them rednecks) who fill the comment sections of country web sites with misspelled and grammatically incorrect attacks on Swift’s technical abilities. In other words, she’s taking on what is often spoken of as the heart of the country audience, the rural, “true” Americans who make sure no country singer ever dares step out of line, and telling them to shut the hell up. Teenage rebellion being essentially unheard of in the country charts, most critics seem not to recognize it when they hear it, especially when it’s hidden behind a lovely tune and cheery sarcasm. Swift is not only better than most everybody else, she may be better than anyone dared hope. And she’s still growing.

Katy Perry—”Firework”
#57
I cut Perry a lot of slack, and she’s capable of doing wonderful things, but only when she’s not being serious about it, or taking herself as some sort of image for youth. This is a stylistic mess, bland and irritating at the same time, with vocals that sound like she’s attempting a Steve Perry imitation. It’s as if Journey had tried to write a rave anthem.

Hannah Montana featuring Iyaz—”Gonna Get This”
#66
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 10/24/10

Willow—”Whip My Hair”
#78
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 10/17/10

Kanye West featuring Jay-Z, Rick Ross, Bon Iver & Nicki Minaj—”Monster”
#79
Kanye may think of himself as a monster, but he isn’t capable of sounding like one, no matter how hard he tries. Ditto Rick Ross, who sounds lost. The Bon Iver coda is an interesting surprise, suggesting deeper ideas that are never quite fleshed out. Nicki Minaj’s vocal contortions are fascinating, but they get old fast, and she doesn’t say much. All of which leaves Jay-Z in control of the record, especially when he brings it to a full halt announcing that he never gets enough love (this is after bragging about killing anyone who gets in his way). It’s a bit too much of a set piece to be believable or revealing, but it’s a hilarious shock all the same.

Kings Of Leon—”The End”
#82
This is the first record I’ve heard from these guys that makes a case for their reputation, or at least their record sales. Opening up their sound reveals an emotional center and does a better job of suggesting they possess real feelings than all their bombastic declarations. Mind you, it may all be by rote, but at least they’ve found a more skillful way of faking it.

Rihanna featuring Drake—”What’s My Name?”
#83
Drake, with his stupid, phoned-in ancient sex jokes, is as irritating as ever, but once he’s finished, this dancehall-inflected mid-tempo jam is the return to Rihanna’s old dance-pop style that she’s been advertising. Only now it’s informed by a sharper and darker sensibility, and a deeper emotional resonance. The mechanical, producer’s toy quality of her vocals has disappeared, and if she doesn’t have much to say, at least she sounds like a complete human being.

T-Pain featuring Rick Ross—”Rap Song”
#89
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 10/24/10

My Darkest Days featuring Ludacris—”Porn Star Dancing”
#90
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 10/17/10

Lloyd—”Lay It Down”
#91
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 10/24/10

The Black Keys—”Tighten Up”
#93
Reviewed in Bubbling Under, 10/24/10

Natasha Bedingfield—”Strip Me”
#95
The martial drum sound tips you off to the presence of Ryan Tedder, trying his best to turn this into another “Halo”, but the rest of the record, for better or worse, is all Bedingfield. Once upon a time she tried to set Shelley and Keats to a hip-hop beat; now it seems her only literary inspiration is collections of daily affirmations. At the same time she sounds royally pissed off, most likely at her record company, if not at the world in general. Despite the somewhat daring chorus, she isn’t doing anything here she hasn’t done before. She remains an odd, puzzling disappointment.

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Hot 100 Roundup—10/10/10

Wednesday, October 13th, 2010

Glee Cast
“Toxic”, #16
“The Only Exception”, #26
“I’m A Slave 4 U”, #52
“Stronger”, #53
“Baby One More Time”, #54
“Me Against the Music”, #56

Lil Wayne
“Gonorrhea” (featuring Drake), #17
“What’s Wrong With Them” (featuring Nicki Minaj), #42
“I Am Not a Human Being”, #65
“Bill Gates”, #75
“Hold Up” (featuring T Streets), #102
“That Ain’t Me (featuring Jay Sean), #105
A half-dozen throwaways from a great artist who, before he went to jail, had stretched himself way too thin in terms of both performances and ideas. Admittedly, the rock and roll is better than Rebirth, but what kind of recommendation is that?

Pitbull featuring T-Pain—”Hey Baby (Drop It To the Floor)”
#51
What puts Pitbull over for me is the dry, confident, good-humored quality of his vocals. This is why it’s odd to see him partnering up with T-Pain, who, in comparison, sounds determined to hide himself behind his effects, almost as if he were afraid to have his real voice heard. The fact that T-Pain’s last two singles bombed and he’s been missing from the charts for most of the year only adds to the sense of desperation. T-Pain’s presence also means that Pitbull has to fill the track with more noise than usual, as opposed to the minimal club bangers of the past, where his own voice stood out. This is one of those misbegotten match-ups where the result emphasizes the weakness of both artists. They’re better off on their own.

Nicki Minaj—”Right Thru Me”
#74
It’s interesting that Minaj, who comes on so tough on other people’s records, seems such a romantic softy on her own. This has slightly harder edges than “Your Love”, but those are only there to cover up how unimaginative the rest of this sentimental goo is. More and more she reminds me of Cyndi Lauper: an eccentric and possibly major talent who turns out to be a blandly ordinary sentimentalist at heart. I hope I’m wrong, but this record points in that direction.

My Chemical Romance—”Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na)”
#77
There’s a lot to love about this record: MCR’s wit, intensity, and sense of craft combine so perfectly that they even get away with the pretentious spoken bit in the middle. But the middle is where they’re stuck. Smarter than Green Day, not quite as smart as Jack White, and funnier than either, they’ve sworn allegiance to a style that can be fun and forceful but that’s culturally meaningless at best, nostalgic and sentimental (in a loud, revolutionary way) at worst. There’s a reason the country market has finally embraced rock and roll; it isn’t a threat to anybody anymore.

Bruno Mars—”Grenade”
#81
Mars is a talented guy, but this is a lousy record—near hysterical at times, too cool at others, and packed wall-to-wall with meaningless, fluffy noise. It’s pop only in the sense of pandering to the most basic audience desires while leaving room for nothing but Mars’s ego, which gets bigger with every record. He’s a master of the tried and true, but I’m beginning to doubt if he’s anything more than that.

Marsha Ambrosius—”Hope She Cheats On You (With a Basketball Player”)
#88
Great title, but unfortunately Ambrosius knows it, and repeats it endlessly on the fade, until the bitterness gets stifled by a lack of imagination and her desire to show off her pipes. She doesn’t sound mad, she sounds smug. This is the sort of thing Alicia Keys would come up with if she thought she had a sense of humor.

Bubbling Under:

Shakira featuring Dizzee Rascal—”Loca”
#101
A lesson in the diminishing returns of dance albums. This is OK, but it’s nowhere near as good as “She Wolf”, and too much of it sounds like Shakira is just going through the motions. That goes for Dizzee Rascal, too. (Note: Billboard actually lists the Spanish language version of this song on the chart, but as the English version is outselling it by an order of ten on iTunes, I’m assuming that was a mistake.)

Jeremih featuring Ludacris—”I Like”
#104
Though the ballad w/rap genre has had its moments, it’s overstayed its welcome, and I really wish it would go away. This is a good, more sophisticated follow-up to “Birthday Sex” until Ludacris adds his two cents. He’s like a rude parent barging in on a couple of teenagers making out on the couch and delivering some thinly veiled lewd suggestions before he leaves. He means well, but it kills the mood completely. Jeremih’s already had a top ten record; does he really need that much help via name recognition to get another one?

Kenny Chesney—”Live a Little”
#106
Chesney apparently spent his year off from touring listening to The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” and trying to think of a way to incorporate that sound into a country song. He couldn’t do it, so he just tacks his version onto the intro and outro of an ordinary country-rocker and pretends he’s doing something new and exciting. He’s not fooling me, though.

Edward Maya & Vika Jiguilina—”Stereo Love”
#107
A lush euro-disco chanson, complete with accordion. A pleasant trifle, at least until the repetitiveness of it starts to weight it down. You keep expecting that accordion melody to go somewhere when all it does is repeat. As a disco novelty, though, I like it a lot more than “We No Speak Americano”

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Hot 100 Roundup—10/3/10

Thursday, October 7th, 2010

Glee Cast
“Empire State of Mind”, #21
“Telephone”, #23
“Billionaire”, #28
“Listen”, #38
“What I Did For Love”, #51

Akon—”Angel”
#62
Yet another “I Gotta Feeling” rip, only this time not from someone directly associated with the original record, which is a relief. Akon’s voice may have changed, but his gift for hooks remains, and here he strings enough together to make for a bearable dance record. My only question is whether this is intended as a tribute to Lady GaGa, who has guaranteed Akon a comfortable living even if he never has another hit. Maybe he should just go into promotion and forget this whole making records business. He wouldn’t be the first.

Update: Whoops, there I go forgetting to check the credits again. This was produced by David Guetta, so just ignore that first sentence.

Maroon 5—”Stutter”
#84
Catchier than their previous records off the new album, but in its own way just as stiff and claustrophobia inducing. Their clockwork groove is like a wall they build between the music and whatever emotion is supposedly generating it. Which means they’re either trying too hard or are too tasteful to get really funky. Working with a producer other than the tireless careerist Robert John Lange might help.

Jesse McCartney—”Shake”
#90
A few years ago, Jesse McCartney was the equivalent of Justin Bieber, only with a little more funk and without the hordes of screaming girls. Now he seems to be in limbo. His voice has matured, but his material still has a teenage quality to it (doesn’t everybody’s?) that doesn’t quite match with his voice. I like the telephone gimmick leading into the chorus, and this is catchy and almost funky enough to get by, but the song’s slightly Bieberish quality throws me off. He’s like a solo version of Maroon 5: his heart is in the right place, but his music is too stiff to catch up.

Diddy – Dirty Money featuring Drake—”Loving You No More”
#91
This goes down smooth and easy in the background, but like most muzak, once you get up close you notice how barren it is. And that’s even before Drake clears his throat and starts to rap.

Mike Posner—”Please Don’t Go”
#94
Pleasant but forgettable, which is a step up from his last record, which was brainless (often mistaken for pleasant) and irritating. I like the random electronics on the last verse, but the rest of it is sap. With guys like Posner and Owl City on the scene, the hipness quotient of electronic music is going to nosedive fast, if it hasn’t already.

Bubbling Under:

Zac Brown Band featuring Jimmy Buffett—”Knee Deep”
#101
When Zac Brown sings by himself, he sounds like James Taylor. When he sings with Alan Jackson, he sounds like Alan Jackson. Guess who he sounds like now? And no, despite the presence of the original inspiration, this is not as good as “Toes”.

Bon Jovi—”What Do You Got?”
#102
Ann Powers swears that Bon Jovi is a great arena band, and though I’ve never thought of that as a distinct genre, I’m willing to take her word on it. All the same, should I ever find myself in an arena with Bon Jovi, this song is when I would seize the opportunity to find a bathroom.

Maroon 5 with Lady Antebellum—”Out of Goodbyes”
#103
Apparently anyone who comes in contact with Lady Antebellum turns immediately into another version of Fleetwood Mac, and though the voices don’t blend as magically as Buckingham’s and McVie’s, this has its moments (the line about the “storm brewing in his eyes” is perfectly set). But moments is all it has, and though the playing is as precise as you’d expect, Fleetwood Mac was both precise and passionate, and that makes all the difference.

David Guetta featuring Kid Cudi—”Memories”
#104
Never, ever listen to a song called “Memories”. It’s guaranteed to be sentimental, even when it comes on with garish, hard-edged dance beats and features a vocalist who sounds like he’s coked himself hoarse. In fact, that might be even worse.

Bruno Mars featuring Damian Marley—”Liquor Store Blues”
#105
This doesn’t work, largely because Mars’s overdeveloped pop instinct undercuts whatever sense of “the blues” he may possess, but I’m fascinated by his attempts to show a serious side, or at least some sort of social conscious (this, “Billionaire”, maybe even “Fuck You”). It’s not the sort of thing you find in most masters of lighthearted melodic hooks, and it suggest that if he can ever manage to balance the two, he could become a major artist, instead of just a highly successful one.

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Money the only morality

Friday, October 1st, 2010

How do you commit the most heinous fucking crime you can in full public view and still maintain the support of the top players in your game? Have a number one R&B hit, that’s how, and they’ll all come running to do the remix. Yes, it’s less tasteless than the original, but who gives a shit? Fuck ‘em all.

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