Daughtry–”No Surprise”
#15
Warning to hipsters: the psychedelic vocal effects that open and close this otherwise boring record do not mean that Chris Daughtry has been listening to Animal Collective and Grizzly Bear. It means that, like all backward looking, self-serious rockers, Daughtry thinks adding psychedelic Beatlesish touches to his records is a sign of artistic maturity and musical growth. I wish I could be sure Animal Collective and Grizzly Bear don’t think the same way.
Eminem featuring Dr. Dre–”Old Time’s Sake”
#25
Depressing fact: Remember that sketch on The Marshall Mathers LP where Eminem’s manager advises him to stop talking about homosexuals and vicodin and rap about blunts and bitches like everybody else? This is where Eminem heeds that advice. More depressing fact: Eminem’s rhymes are more complicated and technically accomplished than ever, but he has absolutely nothing to say. Most depressing fact of all: This is easily the best track from Relapse so far. (Extra special bonus depressing fact: Just for old time’s sake, Dre calls people he doesn’t like faggots.)
Sean Kingston–”Fire Burning”
#29
What does it mean that every time I’ve worked on this list I’ve completely forgotten this record existed? Yeah, that’s what I thought it meant.
Paula Abdul–”I’m Just Here for the Music”
#87
Better than you might expect, if nothing special, but listening to this record is like stepping into a time warp. Abdul, who is 46 and hasn’t had a solo hit since 1995, sings this like she’s the latest bouncy Disney star, with occasional Britney touches. Since a lot of Disney pop is based on late 80s and early 90s dance music, she’s essentially aping, or more likely trying to reclaim, a style that she helped to invent. After 8 years of staring dumbfounded (or worse) at wannabes, who can blame her? It’s lonely there at the judges’ table, isn’t it Paula?
Drake–”Best I Ever Had”
#92
Ultimately forgettable, but check out the phrasing and the rhyme scheme: Kanye’s takeover of rap is almost complete.
Young Money–”Every Girl”
#96
Here’s a rarity, a rap record with Lil Wayne where he isn’t the best thing on it. The full title, of course, is “I Want to Fuck Every Girl in the World”, and Wayne and the Young Money crew not only tell us how they want to do that, but provide an ever-expanding list. Forward thinking and honorable guys, they’re willing to wait three years for Miley Cyrus. They’re open minded, too; listen closely to the fade and you’ll notice that the list includes “midgets” and “retards”. Note to Eminem: If you’re going to be offensive, you need to be funny, remember?
Fast Life Yungstaz–”Swag Surfin’”
#99
Don’t care for Soulja Boy? How would you feel about a cobbled together trio who rap over pseudo Soulja Boy beats about underage drinking and shopping? That’s what I thought. The only thing I want to know is if Polo payed for their studio time.
Update: My bad: Young Money is a crew, not a person. Duh. Now corrected.
