Posts Tagged ‘Soulja Boy’

Hot 100 Roundup—10/29/11

Wednesday, November 9th, 2011

Snoop Dogg featuring Bruno Mars & Wiz Khalifa—“Young, Wild & Free”
#10
Half good-time dope song, half, thanks to Khalifa, public service message on behalf of marijuana as a mood stabilizer, all charming in its way, but too sleepy and boring in parts. I assume Mars or his pals in The Smeezingtons wrote the hook, though he appears to have buried himself in the mix—a smart move, since Snoop and Khalifa’s rougher, less trained vocals make more sense in this context than Mars’s trademark croon. Hardly a hallmark in any of their careers, but pleasant fluff all the same.

The Fray—“Heartbeat”
#43
It’s a no-brainer that Kings Of Leon would have imitators, but somehow I never expected it to be an already established act. Guess the sloppy vocals and even sloppier ideas seemed like such a perfect fit that The Fray just couldn’t resist. They might have covered their tracks better, though; some of this sounds so much like “Use Somebody” that when it comes up on shuffle I keep thinking it is Kings of Leon. Sometimes I even hit skip before I realize my mistake. Not that I wouldn’t skip it anyway.

Beyonce—“Countdown”
#85
This is as brilliant musically as everyone says it is—even Beyonce’s over-brassiness works in this context—but I’m getting tired of her confusing brand of feminism, which largely consists of the old saw of being a lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom. Though she would probably phrase it more along the lines of being a powerful woman in public and a skilled lover in private. Whatever the case, her belief in ultimate sublimation to her man, which goes back to her earliest Destiny’s Child days, is unquestioned. She got out from under her father’s domineering hand in her business life, isn’t it time she got out from under his tired old ideas, as well?

Tyga featuring Drake—“Still Got It”
#89
Though he’s more talented as a vocalist, Tyga strikes me as being a lot like Jamie Foxx: whoever he has guesting on his track, that’s who he sounds like. Drake’s hook is far more interesting than anything Tyga has to say, and the track as a whole is mediocre at best.

Roscoe Dash—“Good Good Night”
#91
Dash is basically a second level version of Soulja Boy—less aggressive, less daring, and far less interesting—but every once in a while he comes up with a good hook, and this is one of them. You’ll forget all about it once it’s over, but at least you’ll enjoy it while it’s on.

Britney Spears—“Criminal”
#92
Though it points in a totally different direction, I enjoy this more than anything Spears has released since “Piece Of Me”. It’s very smart to play down the melodramatic cliché of loving a bad boy with music that sounds not just peaceful, but almost blissful. As “physical” as her love may be (a word that, in this song, covers a lot of emotional ground), it isn’t the rough and tumble that you’d expect, but something more like a day at the spa: both fulfilling and refreshing. Spears may not be the brightest singer in the world, but she does understand sex, which is more than most pop stars can claim.

Katy Perry—“The One That Got Away”
#94
Six singles in, Perry is starting to scrape the ordinary, at least musically. The lyrics, though, are something else. Everyone’s least favorite pop maven presents us with what is essentially an indie-rock romance: they make out to Radiohead and think of themselves as a modern June Carter and Johnny Cash. As it happens, though, she’s the one who’s more forward thinking, which turns her into a pop star while he ends up busking the blues on downtown street corners. Any regrets are nothing more than the usual lip service (Perry is nothing if not a master of formula), but in its way this is more honest than most indie-rock love songs, even if she doesn’t mean a word of it.

Jessie J—“Domino”
#96
A lot of people have been comparing Jessie J to Katy Perry, and not in a good way, but this is the first time the comparison has seemed totally apt. The sound and sensibility is a straight rip-off, but J doesn’t have nearly as much charm as Perry, or as much sense. She doesn’t seem to understand, for example, that being a domino just makes her one of the many women who are lined up to be used by this guy. You have to think about metaphors and similes; you can’t just toss them off because they sound good.

Drake featuring Nicki Minaj—“Make Me Proud”
#97
This isn’t nearly as sexist and condescending as some people have suggested it is, but it is something of a borderline case. The big problem is the title: saying that somebody makes you proud is much more self-directed and self-absorbed than saying that you’re proud of them, which can be a simple compliment. The former suggests that you had something to do with what makes the person so wonderful. But that isn’t the case here. Drake never utters the title line, and instead says “I’m so proud of you”. I’m assuming he changed the title to avoid confusion with The Impressions’ “I’m So Proud” (nobody with any sense dares comparison with Curtis Mayfield). Still, he does go overboard in his praise, to the point where he sounds condescending, and since Minaj is playing it safe—her rap is good but not particularly memorable—he comes off looking something of an ass (what else is new?). I’d be much more forgiving if she had smoked him. But he means well, I’m sure. Also, the music is great, which makes up for a lot.

Evanescence—“Lost In Paradise”
#99
“What You Want” made me hope that Amy Lee was stepping away from the melodramatic bombast that has been her stock in trade from the beginning, but this songs dashes those hopes in grandiose style. It’s all so obvious: from the first notes of the piano you wait for the crash of guitars and orchestra, and though it gets held off longer than usual, it’s exactly like you imagine it, overwrought and dull. And then it goes on for another three minutes.

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Cali Swag District vs. Gwyneth Paltrow

Friday, March 25th, 2011

If you ever wanted a capsule example of everything that’s still wrong with the record business, despite the fact that music sales seem to finally be going up again, nothing sums it up quite as nicely as the story of Cali Swag District. “Teach Me How To Dougie” was one of the breakout singles of last year (it was also one of the best). It never got very high on the Billboard charts, but it was ubiquitous everywhere else, especially on YouTube, where various versions of the song garnered over 50 million hits. The single itself has sold something over 2 million copies (and those are just the legal downloads).

Signed by Capitol, the group immediately went into the studio and recorded an album, Kickback. The first single from the LP tanked, though, and the album’s release date kept getting pushed back, until it finally settled into the limbo known as “coming soon”. It’s an old story, and has happened to a lot of hip-hop and r&b artists lately—just ask Amerie.

But it’s worthwhile considering their story in light of Billboard’s conjectures regarding Gwyneth Paltrow’s recent signing to Atlantic Records for a reported $900,000. How, Billboard’s Glenn Peoples asks, in the current sales climate, would Atlantic get their money back? To make up the $900,000, Atlantic would need to sell around 700,000 copies of her album (or seven million individual tracks), not an impossibility considering Paltrow’s pre-existent rock connections and success on Glee (the less said about Country Strong the better).

But that would just pay back Paltrow’s advance. There would also be promotional costs involved, and this is where the story gets interesting. Billboard’s estimate is that Paltrow’s album would cost about $300,000 to record, which would be paid out of Paltrow’s advance. But promotional costs, which include videos, advertising, singles promotion, etc. would be nearly seven times more than that. Meaning that Atlantic would need to make back over $3 million in order to turn a profit on Paltrow’s contract, hardly a sure thing (Peoples’ comparison of Paltrow to Darius Rucker, by the way, is ridiculous: Paltrow may be famous, but she’s not famous for making music, the way Rucker was).

Which brings us back to Cali Swag District. Their album is finished (and I bet it cost a lot less than $300,000), they’ve gotten their advance, and Capitol is now assuming all the risk for releasing the record. They’ve no doubt already made some of their money back on “Dougie”, maybe all of it. But any costs that accrue now—meaning the costs of promotion, advertising, etc.—are the record company’s alone. So why take the risk if the follow-up single to “Dougie” has already tanked and nothing else on the album, from Capitol’s point of view at least, stands any better chance of being a hit?

The fact that it would cost the label virtually nothing to release the album, especially if they went download-only for the initial release, is apparently beside the point. Releasing an album without promotion, according to the thinking of the major labels, is roughly the same of throwing it in the garbage. Even though that self-fulfilling prophecy has already been disproved by “Dougie” itself, not to mention “Crank Dat”, a batch of jerkin’ records, and now Rebecca Black’s “Fridays”, nothing will ever convince the heads of the major labels otherwise. And now that Cali Swag District is signed to a label that refuses to release their record, they’re stuck. They may very well be one hit wonders, anyway, but it’s still hard not to sympathize with them. Besides, the way Capitol is acting, we’ll never really know, will we?

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Hot 100 Roundup—1/2/11

Thursday, January 6th, 2011

The Lonely Island featuring Akon—”I Just Had Sex”
#30
Akon is funny, and his willingness to parody his persona makes me respect him a little more, but he’s not as funny as T-Pain was on “I’m On a Boat”, and the jokes, even when they’re good, are obvious. The formula is getting old, too. There are times when this sounds exactly like Flight of the Conchords, only not as good.

Brad Paisley—”This Is Country Music”
#65
Paisley has enjoyed an aesthetic and commercial peak over the last two years, the sort of thing only the best can pull off, and you can’t blame him for engaging in some sentimental celebration. The sentiment wins out over the celebration, though, and once the cliches start piling up even Paisley’s guitar can’t dig him out from under. It all feels tossed together, and not in a good way.

3Oh!3—”Hit It Again”
#66
Catchy enough, and less offensive than usual, which isn’t really a compliment. Record by record they become more ordinary, and this features a chorus that’s as close to old-fashioned rock and roll as they’ve ever come. The one thing the world doesn’t need.

Troop 41—”Do the John Wall”
#81
More teenage hip-hoppers with another new dance, this one based on basketball (the jump-shot move is silly even by fly-by-night dance trend standards). They’re from North Carolina, so the sound is more Dirty South/Soulja Boy than jerkin’ or dougie—more baroque and with more fuzzy synths. The spirit and the energy are the same, though, and I can’t think of anything that would be better for pop’s future than cross-country dance-move battles. There must be room on cable for that somewhere.

B.O.B.—”I Am the Champion”
#85
I still have my doubts about B.O.B.’s strengths as a rapper—especially when he follows up a claim to never being imitative with spoken asides that sound exactly like Will Smith—but he knows how to pick hooks and beats, and this is his best record since “Nothin’ On You”. His nonchalant self-absorption is almost charming, and he knows how to brag without being overbearing. If anything, he’s less of a goof here than on previous records, but he still sounds like he’s after nothing but a good time.

Train—”Shake Up Christmas (Coke Xmas Anthem)”
#99
Since almost every band in the world hoped to wake up Christmas morning with a licensing or endorsement deal in their stocking, I can hardly blame these bozos for locking up this year’s official Coca-Cola Christmas song. Not that they need the money or the attention, but if they want to be The New Seekers of the two-teens that’s their privilege. Just as it’s my privilege to never listen to it again unless I’m stuck in a mall.

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New this week—6/6/10

Sunday, June 13th, 2010

Lee DeWyze
“Beautiful Day”, #24
“Hallelujah”, #44h
“The Boxer”, #88
DeWyze won American Idol not because all the tweens voted for the cutest guy, but because the story he lived on the show was better than any backstory anyone else could have come up with. He started as an insecure dweeb and ended up a confident but still humble performer. He had to win; that’s the way these Cinderella stories are supposed to go. He has a decent voice, too, though none of the songs here demonstrate that very well. He obviously doesn’t care much for “Beautiful Day”, but he does seem to have some inkling as to what “Hallelujah” (in it’s third chart appearance this year) is about. “The Boxer”, however, is a disaster. You never mumble a Paul Simon lyric, no matter how bad it is.

Crystal Bowersox—”Up To the Mountain”
#57
Behind the dreads, behind the sunflower tattoo that covers her back and the stupid pushpin piercing under her lips, behind her mature but somehow innocent voice, Crystal Bowersox is one canny performer. I may be the only person in the world who thought her performance of this song on American Idol was terrible, obscuring the melody and losing the song in a maze of vocal flexing and filigree. But Bowersox knew what the Idol audience and judges wanted to hear, so she gave it to them. This studio recording is better, tamer and more to the point. Not as good as Kelly Clarkson’s version from a couple of years ago, but still worthwhile. And her voice is amazing.

Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox—”Falling Slowly”
#66
I hate this song. I don’t care who sings it, or how badly or how well they sing it. I hate this song.

Glee Cast—”Beth”
#72
Shoved off the charts by American Idol this week (an improvement, if a small one), the best Glee can manage is a soppy Kiss cover. Singing bad songs badly does not make them funny, it only makes them worse. Though I don’t expect anyone involved in Glee will ever realize it. I also suspect that they’re not trying to be funny.

Will Young—”Leave Right Now”
#81
What can you say about a guy who in comparison makes James Blunt sound like a great artist? That he should follow his own advice?

Paramore—”The Only Exception”
#90
Over Paramore’s usual thrashing, Hayley Williams sounds intelligent and cool, a slightly wistful cynic standing tall in the midst of emotional confusion. Over an acoustic backdrop, however, she sounds like any other female singer/songwriter with well-crafted lyrics whose sentimental rage turns into a sentimental crush when the right guy walks into the room.

Cali Swag District—”Teach Me How To Dougie”
#91
Not a form of jerkin’, according to them (their jeans aren’t skinny, for one thing), but the impetus is the same: turning hip-hop and rap back into party music. The crosstown rivalry, I suspect, will only be good for both. This is fresh and fun, and its appeal appears to be cross-generational—Jermaine Dupri, of all people, has done a remix. They already talk like the four marketeers, and have started a twitter campaign to get Soulja Boy on another remix. In other words, grab them now, before they’re spoiled. There will be a lot of one-hit wonders in this genre over the next couple of years. This is a good one.

J. Cole—”Who Dat?”
#93
Given time I might come up with an answer, except that all I can ever remember about this song is the question.

Ludacris featuring Trey Songz—”Sex Room”
#98
Ludacris has rarely been as funny as this without cracking an obvious joke, and the groove guarantees that even the porn-movie cliches carry an erotic charge. The groove is so good, in fact, that it allows Trey Songz to hold our attention to the very end without his actually having to come up with a lyric, uttering nothing but a few suggestive phrases and the title. Which only makes it sexier, of course.

Rick Ross featuring Ne-Yo—”Super High”
#100
I lot of people will write this off as a Ghostface rip, but I say, isn’t it time? If Ghostface’s tracks weren’t about pimps, whores, and drug dealers killing each other, and so laced with obscenity that a censored version would be half silence, his blaxsploitation-based grooves would be all over the charts, and probably the radio. As Kanye West might put it, he knows how to cook that crack music. Ross knows nothing but how to brag, and the music lacks the dense intensity of Ghostface, but the groove is so undeniable it would be meaningless to complain. As for Ne-Yo, he contributes his best hook since “So You Can Cry”, and raises the track up yet another level. A great one.

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Thinking big

Thursday, March 25th, 2010

Gold records (500,000 sold)? Platinum (1,000,000)? Diamond (10,000,000)? Who cares anymore? As of today the industry will need to think in much bigger terms. How about one billion? That’s how many times, and more, people have watched Lady GaGa’s videos online. That’s not all: there have been nearly three quarters of a billion views of Soulja Boy’s “Crank That” alone, and half a billion views of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” (not to mention the nearly 200 million views of Dramatic Gopher). This has nothing to do with sales—artists don’t make a dime when people watch their videos—but it should only be a matter of time before somebody comes up with some official, mineral-based designation for the number of views a video receives. With numbers as astronomical as this, how could the industry resist the urge to congratulate itself?

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New this week—12/20/09

Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

Ludacris—”How Low”
#13
Since Ludacris announced his intention to make more serious records a couple of years back, things have shifted in the pop world. The recession created an audience that wanted anything other than the serious, and Ludacris wisely reverts to his old party persona. He does this, ironically enough, by sampling the most serious of all rap groups, Public Enemy, and making a record more reminiscent of Soulja Boy than anything he’s done before. The result is as silly as you might expect, but not in a particularly entertaining way, and it isn’t funny at all. Maybe that “serious” move was just a sign that he’d run out of ideas and/or jokes.

Glee Cast
“My Life Would Suck Without You”, #51
“Don’t Rain On My Parade”, #53
“You Can’t Always Get What You Want”, #71
“And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going”, #94
The songs from the final episode sum up quite nicely everything that’s wrong with Glee as music: bad karaoke (“My Life”); bad Broadway impersonations (“Parade”); bad, meaningless rock covers (apparently no one involved with this show knows what “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” is actually about—why did they even bother with the verses?); and bad, histrionic versions of overrated pseudo-soul screamfests. The world has until April to wise up, but I’m not holding my breath on that one.

Lil Wayne—”On Fire”
#62
Anyone who doubts that rap, if not dead, is at least at a turning point, should give this record a listen. It’s not just that it’s bad (though it surely is), but that it encapsulates a moment of confusion amongst even the greatest rappers about what to do next. Based on this, Lil Wayne’s rock album is gearing up to be the greatest piece of career suicide since Kelly Clarkson’s My December, except apparently nobody has the nerve to tell Wayne it’s a mistake. It’s not surprising that he’d take a downward step—after the creative burst that culminated in Tha Carter III anything he did was bound to be anticlimactic—but this is like walking off a cliff.

Jason DeRulo—”In My Head”
#63
The problem with this record is simple: after playing it half a dozen times, it hasn’t stayed in my head at all. Without Imogen Heap, he’s nothing.

Mary J. Blige—”I Am”
#67
This is nothing new, but it’s a good, solid song, and for the first time in ages Blige sounds comfortable again, wisely relaxing and not overplaying her hand or her pipes. It helps that she’s taking on a role rather than singing as herself. It may not be a masterpiece, but it’s the best single Blige has put out in years.

30 Seconds To Mars—”This Is War”
#72
Imagine if U2 and Pearl Jam got together to make a concept album about global conflict. Now imagine that the album was written not by U2 and Pearl Jam, but Queensryche. No, I wouldn’t want to hear it, either.

Snoop Dogg—”I Wanna Rock”
#80
Ah, here’s the semi-annual Snoop I’ve been waiting for, and as an extra treat it comes with a shout-out to jerkin’. Not as daring as he’s been in the past, but as masterful as ever, and that choir chanting “Snooooop dooogg” in the background makes me laugh every time I hear it.

Chris Brown featuring Plies—”What I Do”
#88
I can’t help wondering if that title wouldn’t make more sense with a question mark at the end, with lyrics reflecting Brown’s dismay at having to work with The Worst Rapper In The World® in order to boost his plummeting commercial potential. And where’s that Akon duet we were promised?

Lifehouse—”Halfway Gone”
#99
That title invites all sorts of easy quips, but the song isn’t worth even that much effort.

George Strait—”Twang”
#100
If there have to be country songs about how wonderful country songs are, I’d rather hear them from Strait than anybody else, if only because he’s made some wonderful country music himself. Trouble is, the idea of country songs about country songs is as worn-out as rock songs about rockin’ out, and nothing Strait can do is going to revive it or make anything new out of it.

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New this week

Monday, September 14th, 2009

Breaking Benjamin—”I Will Not Bow”
#40
Music for fans of 300, of which there are many, I suppose. I just wish I knew what it was they think they’re fighting. Death itself is the most likely answer, hence the defeatism. But it’s a generic defeatism, as untouched by reality and as sentimental as any lovey dovey acoustic strumalong. They should just send out black edged Hallmark cards and get it over with.

Trey Songz featuring Gucci Mane & Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em—”LOL :-) ”
#51
The music is charming—which, with a production team named Fisha & Price, is only what you’d expect—but Trey Songz never has anything interesting to say, Gucci Mane adds nothing, and Soulja Boy sounds like he just got up and is stumbling around the kitchen making a cup of coffee while shouting out whatever comes into his head that seems to rhyme (including a plug for his most recent hit). The music might prevent this from become dated too quickly, if it isn’t already, but don’t bet on it.

Michael Buble—”Haven’t Met You Yet”
#65
Unlike a lot of critics, I didn’t think Sara Bareilles “Love Song” was a bad record, but this blatant rip-off makes it sound like a masterpiece. You’d think a star like Buble would make his theft less obvious, but subtlety doesn’t seem to be his strong suit. You also wouldn’t think that a heartthrob like Buble would have a voice as thin as tissue paper, but you’d be wrong about that, too. In it’s way, the dumbest record of the year, and that’s saying something.

Jesse McCartney featuring T-Pain—”Body Language”
#84
Not much of a song, but it does provide an interesting view into the shifting commercial allegiances of hip-hop. The original featured loud “Hey!”s in the mode of T.I., but McCartney must have decided that imitating a guy doing time for Federal weapons charges might not be a good idea in light of the age of most of his audience, so he brings in the more benign, cartoonish T-Pain, whose “Hey”s are softer and, needless to say, prettily autotuned. At the same time, T-Pain seems to embrace McCartney as the heir to the recently convicted Chris Brown, referring to their newly formed partnership as Nappy Boy and Pretty Boy, the same phrase he used to describe himself and Brown on “Kiss Kiss”. Meanwhile, musically, McCartney continues to try to cross the gap between Brown and Justin Timberlake without noticing the big sign that says “You Can’t Get There From Here”. This is starting to become as complicated as a telenovella.

Luke Bryan—”Do I”
#85
What, you mean whine and cry and bore us to tears for four endless minutes? Yes, you do.

Gucci Mane featuring Plies—”Wasted”
#95
Gucci Mane has done so many guest spots in the last couple of months—making up for time lost to incarceration—that you’d be excused for thinking he must be as big a name as T-Pain or Lil Wayne. But I tend to think that most of those guest spots were offered as a welcome home and as a form of charity. He’s contributed nothing of value to any of the records he’s appeared on, and here he teams up with The Worst Rapper On The Planet™ and demonstrates how little we actually missed while he was in the joint.

Sean Kingston—”Face Drop”
#98
The closest thing to a personal touch on this faceless follow-up to the even more faceless “Fire Burning” is a reference to being overweight—which Kingston sings as impersonally as everything else. A couple of years ago I thought he might have some real talent, but obviously I was wrong.

Whitney Houston—”Million Dollar Bill”
#100
A weird one. With all the youthful brassiness missing from Houston’s voice and her upper register apparently gone for good, even her uptempo celebrations are subdued. The opening verse sounds like a Sade record sped up, and though the rest settles into a respectable early ’80s soul groove, it never quite takes off. But it gets better every time I listen to it, and at times Houston conjures a dignity and grace reminiscent of her cousin Dionne Warwick. At this point in her career, I can’t think of a better model.

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New this week

Saturday, June 27th, 2009

New Boyz–”You’re A Jerk”
#33
If you haven’t been prepped by Soulja Boy to love minimalist nonsense like this, then there must be something the matter with you. Sure it’s a novelty record, but it’s also part of a growing trend of suburban teenagers building beats on their laptops that’s as much a form of folk music as guys with guitars singing the blues or DJs spinning discs in the rec halls and playgrounds of Brooklyn and the Bronx. In a few years they may very well take over the world. Write them off at your peril. You could end up an even bigger jerk than they are.

Pitbull–”Hotel Room Service”
#63
“I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)” is dumb and catchy. This is just dumb.

All Time Low–”Damned If I Do Ya (Damned If I Don’t)”
#67
A canny mixture of hair metal, Cheap Trick, and Weezer’s “Buddy Holly”, this is my kind of punk-pop pastiche: unoriginal but energetic, without the overloaded sense of importance and lack of hooks that ruins the Jonas Brothers records. Totally unimportant, and they’ll probably never have another hit, but fun all the same.

Jonas Brothers–”Fly With Me”
#83
The bombast here may be testimony to their sense of self-importance, but it may also be testimony to their realization that this song has not much melody and zero hook. Or it could be both, since only someone who thought too highly of themselves would try to rescue a song that so obviously should have been scrapped.

Mario featuring Gucci Mane and Sean Garrett–”Break Up”
#98
This collage of what sounds like three or four different sessions has some gorgeous pieces, but they don’t quite fit together, and the record as a whole is a mess. Can someone explain to me why Gucci Mane has become as omnipresent a guest as Lil Wayne, when he possesses one tenth of the talent?

David Guetta featuring Kelly Rowland–”When Love Takes Over”
#100
I’ve enjoyed a lot of the r&b/techno merges I’ve heard over the last few years, but this is too bland. Guetta’s music is all techno cliche, and as for Rowland, there’s a reason Beyonce was the breakout star from Destiny’s Child, and it wasn’t just because her father was the manager.

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New This Week

Saturday, May 16th, 2009

Daughtry–”No Surprise”
#15
Warning to hipsters: the psychedelic vocal effects that open and close this otherwise boring record do not mean that Chris Daughtry has been listening to Animal Collective and Grizzly Bear. It means that, like all backward looking, self-serious rockers, Daughtry thinks adding psychedelic Beatlesish touches to his records is a sign of artistic maturity and musical growth. I wish I could be sure Animal Collective and Grizzly Bear don’t think the same way.

Eminem featuring Dr. Dre–”Old Time’s Sake”
#25
Depressing fact: Remember that sketch on The Marshall Mathers LP where Eminem’s manager advises him to stop talking about homosexuals and vicodin and rap about blunts and bitches like everybody else? This is where Eminem heeds that advice. More depressing fact: Eminem’s rhymes are more complicated and technically accomplished than ever, but he has absolutely nothing to say. Most depressing fact of all: This is easily the best track from Relapse so far. (Extra special bonus depressing fact: Just for old time’s sake, Dre calls people he doesn’t like faggots.)

Sean Kingston–”Fire Burning”
#29
What does it mean that every time I’ve worked on this list I’ve completely forgotten this record existed? Yeah, that’s what I thought it meant.

Paula Abdul–”I’m Just Here for the Music”
#87
Better than you might expect, if nothing special, but listening to this record is like stepping into a time warp. Abdul, who is 46 and hasn’t had a solo hit since 1995, sings this like she’s the latest bouncy Disney star, with occasional Britney touches. Since a lot of Disney pop is based on late 80s and early 90s dance music, she’s essentially aping, or more likely trying to reclaim, a style that she helped to invent. After 8 years of staring dumbfounded (or worse) at wannabes, who can blame her? It’s lonely there at the judges’ table, isn’t it Paula?

Drake–”Best I Ever Had”
#92
Ultimately forgettable, but check out the phrasing and the rhyme scheme: Kanye’s takeover of rap is almost complete.

Young Money–”Every Girl”
#96
Here’s a rarity, a rap record with Lil Wayne where he isn’t the best thing on it. The full title, of course, is “I Want to Fuck Every Girl in the World”, and Wayne and the Young Money crew not only tell us how they want to do that, but provide an ever-expanding list. Forward thinking and honorable guys, they’re willing to wait three years for Miley Cyrus. They’re open minded, too; listen closely to the fade and you’ll notice that the list includes “midgets” and “retards”. Note to Eminem: If you’re going to be offensive, you need to be funny, remember?

Fast Life Yungstaz–”Swag Surfin’”
#99
Don’t care for Soulja Boy? How would you feel about a cobbled together trio who rap over pseudo Soulja Boy beats about underage drinking and shopping? That’s what I thought. The only thing I want to know is if Polo payed for their studio time.

Update: My bad: Young Money is a crew, not a person. Duh. Now corrected.

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