The Illiterate

Britney Spears—”3″
#1
There’s no doubt now that Spears is back in full control of her career, and the playful tease of this record even suggests that she’s enjoying herself again. But compared to songs like “Gimme More” or “Piece of Me”, both released when her life seemed to be in freefall, this is remarkably tame, and the echoes of their sound here suggests a reliance on formula. The truth is she’s working ground that others—Lady Gaga, especially—have already laid claim to with more sense of daring and style than Spears is now willing, or capable, of putting out. She can still titillate her old fans, obviously, and there are still enough of them to debut this at number one, but you have to wonder how long she can work this particular plot and make it pay before she, or her fans, get bored with it.

Justin Bieber—”One Less Lonely Girl”
#16
I like the feel of this, which is surprisingly reminiscent of early Michael Jackson, but the song doesn’t go anywhere on it’s own, and Bieber lacks the chops to move it anyplace special. Still, this is a lot better than his first single, and makes me wonder if Bieber has more talent (or at least better handlers) than I first gave him credit for.

Glee Cast
“It’s My Life/Confessions Part II”, #30
“Halo/Walking On Sunshine”, #40
For the first time you can actually hear the joke, not only through the silliness of the mash-ups themselves, but in the performance—that last high note on “Halo” could kill small animals. The Bon Jovi/Usher mix is so seamless it reveals the essential meaninglessness of both (which is more to Usher’s detriment than Bon Jovi’s—at this point who expects a Bon Jovi song to mean anything?). The Beyonce/Katrina and the Waves mix is a little rougher, but speeding up “Halo” is an improvement over the original (or it would be if the performance were better), since it removes all the bombastic nonsense Ryan Tedder is so fond of and cuts down on the near-religious awe Beyonce’s original wallowed in. Neither of these is worth listening to more than twice, mind you, but they’re still a big improvement over what came before.

Chris Brown featuring Lil Wayne and Swizz Beats—”I Can Transform Ya”
#52
This may seem like an odd choice for a comeback single, but it’s probably a smart move commercially for Brown to toughen up his sound—no one at this moment in time is going to buy him as a romantic balladeer or pop crooner, so a strong dance record makes sense. Swizz Beats comes up with a distinctive sound for the record, too, machine-like but swinging at the same time. Trouble is, Brown’s voice isn’t really suited for this type of material (I’m not sure his voice is suited for any kind of material, actually), and Lil Wayne, who has been omnipresent for three years now, is starting to sound tired and bored, if not quite boring.

T.I.—”Hell of a Life”
#54
Surprisingly upbeat, and even funny in spots, with an arrangement that, with it’s keyboard filigree and horns, literally approaches the baroque. As wrong-headed as he obviously sometimes is, it’s hard not to like T.I., even on records as overdone as this. Can you really blame a guy who’s heading off for jail for pulling out all the stops?

OneRepublic—”All the Right Moves”
#58
Having cornered the power ballad market, Ryan Tedder and his cohorts now set their sights on Coldplay via this pseudo-revolutionary blather. Written before they were stinking rich, I assume. I like the drum sound, though.

Ke$ha—”TiK ToK”
#79
The latest in what is now an undeniable trend: mindless party records about getting blotto (hey, times are hard out there). This is Lady Gaga without the artistic pretension, or 3Oh!3 without the sexism, or Katy Perry without the burlesque, or Cobra Starship without the male perspective or…well, you name ‘em. She seems to be more in control than most. She also sounds like she’s having a lot of fun. But does she really want all her men to look like Mick Jagger? In which decade would you be talking about, sweetie?

Creed—”Rain”
#91
Just to prove how sensitive they are they bring out the acoustic guitars, slow the tempo, and shelve the dramatic shifts in rhythm and dynamics. They still persist in fantasizing about destroying the world, though, a catastrophe which only they, like Noah, would survive. This is the problem with religious rock ‘n’ roll: it emphasizes the worst apocalyptic instincts of both.

Brooks & Dunn featuring Billy Gibbons—”Honky Tonk Stomp”
#97
To celebrate their upcoming professional divorce, B&D bring in a guy from ZZ Top to croak out the title hook and to add some very loud, very non-country guitar behind their good-old boy, wild man boasting. Why do I have a feeling I’m not going to miss them very much?

LMFAO featuring Lil John—”Shots”
#98
The butt end, so to speak, of the “let’s all get wasted” wedge that has forced itself into pop culture the last year or so. Like the Lil John of crunk legend, this is so blatant and so honest in it’s expression of drunken lust that it’s almost charming. Well, until you get to this, that is: “The ladies love us/when we pour shots/They need an excuse/to suck our cocks.” FYI, these guys, who are signed to will.i.am’s label, now have three records in the Hot 100. Is everybody in the music business drunk?

Birdman featuring Drake & Lil Wayne—”Money To Blow”
#100
“We goin be alright if we put Drake on every hook,” says Lil Wayne. Yeah, but first you’ve got to have a hook.